For the past twenty years or so, I have undergone much healing and personal growth – everything from dealing with childhood trauma, to discovering my life’s purpose and learning, for once and for all, that I am worthy of love (i.e. respect). This often meant walking away from people and situations that were extremely unhealthy for me whilst receiving much criticism from most of those around me for failing (or succeeding depending on your point of view) to do what was expected of me.
The events of the last few years have been particularly intense. They began in 2007 when my brother split from his abusive, alcoholic partner. This ordeal continued for a year – four court cases, verbal abuse and accusations hurled at my whole family by this ‘woman’ simply because she did not get what she wanted. She prevented us from seeing their children for two months which was painful for all concerned, but most especially for those kids who really aren’t as close or as loved by anyone more so than by their father’s family.
In 2008, whilst the court cases continued, my father became quite unwell after prostate surgery. His symptoms persisted until he died of a stroke a little over a year later in August 2009. This was/is the most devastating loss I have endured to date. It would take four months before I was ready to return to work without bursting into tears in the process. It took another year before the worst of my grief shifted into a sense of profound peace about my father as I now know he is much happier ‘up there.’
During these tumultuous times, very few people were by my (and my family’s) side. Those I had known for almost my entire life – many of them relatives – were nowhere to be found.
One of these relatives, who had received my support during the darkest times in her life, acted as though I didn’t even exist. In late 2010, she had a major family event where she invited two mutual relatives whom she knows raped me as a child. She expected me to show up and act like everything was OK.
This was for me the very last straw.
The disconnection from this relative was one in a series of endings that have been taking place for almost a decade now.
For the first time ever, I believe I have truly started over on a whole new playing field as the person I was always meant to be. I finally understand what it is to be worthy of love.
May you all have Love to Infinity and Beyond.