This post contains an excerpt from my autobiography where I describe the trust issues that resulted from being sexually abused as a child. Many people have such issues irrespective of whether or not they have experienced this type of abuse. There is nothing graphic in what is described below – you may find some comfort in these words if you have had the same type of challenges in your life.

“The most pervasive negative aftereffect of the sexual abuse was a mangled sense of trust. This influenced all of my relationships, including the one I had with myself. It also affected my relationship with the Creator (God or the Source – all interchangeable terms in this book) which for the most part was non-existent. My perception of this concept was so distorted because the love and safety which characterizes trust was completely absent during those early developmental years.

This experience of reality led to my trusting the wrong people over and over again. That is, I had faith in those who treated me as I was handled during the abuse – I was manipulated until they had what they wanted then they would ignore me until the next time they needed to exploit me.

In my life, this exploitative pattern played itself out in non-sexual ways in almost every relationship I ever had (i.e. being used was familiar to me which made it acceptable on some level). These people were interested in taking advantage of other facets of my being – my compassion, companionship, intelligence, labor, energy, loyalty – in one word…support.

Such assistance was never offered to me as I was growing up but it was what I needed most. It was if I was trying to get people who are abusive to treat me well for-once-and-for-all. I believed that if I treated them with respect I would get the same in return, that I would somehow make up for whatever I had done ‘wrong’ which warranted such misuse by others to begin with.

This perception of something not being right with me translated into my not trusting my own judgment or intuition. I had made so many mistakes in relation to choosing trustworthy people and situations that I believed there wasn’t any way that I could know for sure who or what was right for me. This lack of self-trust was inextricably linked to not trusting the Creator. That is, the extent of the faith I have in myself is measured by how well I listen to my intuition which is the voice of God speaking to me and me to Her/Him.

What led to an even greater lack of faith in God were the times I did speak to the Almighty as a child asking for the abuse to stop. Since this did not happen when and how I wanted it to, I began to believe that there was nothing and no-one that I could rely upon – not in this (physical) world or anything (spiritual) beyond it. This led to an even greater over-reliance on my ego[1] which I was already using daily to survive the trauma. As I grew up this meant that I believed what my mind told me instead of my intuition which led to even more erroneous choices about who and what was reliable. Trust was simply a game of Catch 22 one that involved putting myself in situations where I was used, disrespected and neglected. However, after some self-analysis this pattern started to unravel which led to my making better life and/or relationship choices.

[1] The ego is that part of you that helps with survival in this world. It involves your rational mind, personality and body.”

Helen