Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
There is Proof of Life
My Spirit gathers
I spiral up toward Heaven
Like the Phoenix, I Rise
My Memories, Emotions and Thoughts
My Passion for Life
All return Transformed
I am Whole, Powerful and Strong
So I Begin Again
(Copyright Helen Papadopoulos 2010, Phoenix Rising)
This poem epitomizes my journey in relation to healing from the abuse I endured during my childhood. I began from such a powerless, fragmented, confused place but slowly I emerged into a healed, empowered person who can now speak her truth without reservation and who can experience joy like never before.
As I write this book, I realize how far I’ve come and how there really is no going back. I may have my challenges from time to time, like everyone else, and even if some of these ordeals are related to the abuse I know that I will never return to that shattered state I endured for most of my life. What I describe in the second half of the poem is where I am right now and where I will continue to be forever more. I will always Rise, no matter what, not because it is something foisted upon me by an Almighty God or Creator…it is something I have chosen to do and will continue to do because I am worth it.
In an earlier post, I stated that I was going to need to take my time to write this book as it involves going back to some extremely painful events. This makes the task very draining regardless of how strong I may be at this point in my life. However, I have found ways to bring some joy and humor into the project which is very energizing.
Currently, I am working on recounting my experiences of sexual abuse. I made the decision early on not to use the real names of the perpetrators since some of them are relatives and I know that these and other relatives would go mad or become violent as a result of this truth seeing the light of day. So I am creating names to identify these people which I find amusing as they are far more accurate descriptions of who they are than the names they were given at birth (the world would have been a far better place if they had never been born).
“The Deviantinos” is a kind of family name I have given to a deviant husband and wife tag-team who were responsible for raping me for years. Their individual names: Deviantina (or Dva) for the woman and Deviantino (or Dvo) for the man. Another title for an abuser who acted on his own: PP (Pervert Peter…this one includes his real first name). For everyone else (and there were many) I have decided to name them Chester (combining the ‘ch’ from child and the ‘ester’ from molester…this term was created by one of my cousins…no offense to anyone who was given this name at birth) and to number them accordingly: Chester1, Chester2 etc.
Slowly but surely, I will see this through and I hope that it will help those who really need it.